So, again I had a day that was a bit difficult to deal with. The cravings were a bit stronger than usual and I have found myself ‘breathing’ through them. The whole process of not smoking is very surprising, and really not what I expected. I do think now that the longer that I stay addicted to nicotine, the longer I will hit these periodic roadblocks that lead me to thoughts of smoking. Obvious conclusion, I know. However, on some days, it really is easier to just identify the withdrawl without making the association with wanting a cigarette. Then, there are days like today, where I actually found myself inhaling deeply a bit of second hand smoke looking for some kind of contact high. Ridiculous, I know, since second hand smoke contains no nicotine.
For all of us just fresh out of our first month of not smoking, it is hard to not get a little discouraged by days like today. It really is a question of dedication and a little will power, although I really think it is more dedication. I have never really appreciated the concept of will power since I am an extremely strong willed person, but I tend to fall prey to addictions and vices like smoking very easily. I am wondering if I didn’t keep myself distracted enough today. The days where I get up and get going immediately seem to be associated with fewer noticeable roadblocks and bad cravings. It seems that when I give myself too much time, that I mentally seem to drift.
I am clinging to the fact that I am a bit amazed and proud of myself that I have not consumed more than 800 cigarettes and that I have been free of smoke for almost 40 days now. Never before have I made such a commitment, and, I will tell you, while I day dream about a good, deep inhale to get rid of the craving, I really am becoming a bit afraid of smoking. I really am coming to the point where I look down at it. Where I am very upset by the damage I did to myself as a smoker. That I am afraid of both the power and the sickness those little sticks contain. That makes me want them, but not enough to go out and get them, let alone take a drag.
This is positive. And, as I walk further and further away from the behavior and the mental habits of smoking, I can see more clearly the reality of it. Which, makes it easier to keep going. I am now in a healthier more loving relationship with myself and that should be motivation to stay the hell away from them.
That, and I have noticed some people have picked up on this blog. While I know we all anonymously lean on each other- reading each others posts and empathizing with the experiences-I feel obliged to stay clean given that more people then just myself may be looking for me to keep going. I like to think so anyway. I like to think that I can spread the love around and not give up. Perhaps that will help someone who was in my shoes only a short month or so ago.
So, thanks to anyone reading this. It helps keep me on track. Especially on these harder days where I don’t exactly know where to turn.
Going to call my aunt now. Smoke free for more than 6 years now. She is my rock. She convinces me that when I am not sure I can do this, that I am totally capable of doing this and that the smoking part of my life is over. I want it to be. I just want it to be over. I never want to smoke again and have to start over.
So, because of this I am going to take another scary step and get Chantix, so that I can work this nicotine addiction out of my system as well.
Anyway, for all you out there, keep the faith. I’ll keep going if you keep believing you can do this too. And, if there are any want-to-quiters or just-quiters out there who want to talk. PLEASE feel free to leave some comments and share your thoughts. It helps to share I have learned.